Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
