Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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