Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
