dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
