Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
