I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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