They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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