i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just gift wrapped bread.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
