I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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