look no pants
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
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Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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