Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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