I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
