How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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