I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Randomize
