my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
