There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
