Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
