Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
