My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
