If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
