ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
