Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
