There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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