Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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