why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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