I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
