if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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