John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
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Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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