I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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