He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
