The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
