My Higher Power is John Stamos
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He felt like a one man threesome
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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