I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
