Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
