I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
