Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
