Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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