Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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