I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
