I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
