My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
