I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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