how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
