it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
