shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
