I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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