Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
