just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
