Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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