Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
