forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
