How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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