I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
