Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
