Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
