Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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