Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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