I can't breathe out the right side of my face
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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