ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
where does the pee come out of this thing
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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