I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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