dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
