Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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